Adoption – all the grace

Lessons from yesteryear #tiarrred

I was remembering a story to some ladies this last weekend that I’ve thought of often lately. This morning while taking my walk with one of my teens, they were recalling a story about a trip they’d taken and how tired they had been. It brought it all back to me and I wanted to put it down here.

In the early 2000s I was living and working in community in Asia. A few of us gals shared a place in an old village that brings to mind kung fu movies and bowls of spicy noodles. I still miss it. One of the roommates was a sweet Norwegian girl who was then, in the midst of a transformation in the very best sense of the word.

Faithfully each morning she interrupted my coffee (just kidding!) to work out on the tile in the living/dining room. Groggily she would come down the stairs and do her workout. I think there might have been toast with something on it afterwards and then she would run up to the stairs to grab a shower.

I remember wondering how she’d make it to work on time but, if I remember correctly, she always did. In the evenings, after dinner, she walked along a canal for several miles. Months went by of her faithful efforts that proved fruitful because she changed. Her limbs grew long and lean and strong.

At some point in that year a bunch of us traveled together to team build. It was a lot of walking, buses, speed rails, overnight sleeper trains, taxis and more walking. There was, good work, conflict, laughs, poor sleep and lots of good food.

This was back when I didn’t know how to use my words well, especially in conflict. I’m so sorry about that guys. But in the end camaraderie was built, good work was done and fun was had. Then came the long and hard travel back home.

Maybe a day after we were home some of us were hanging out with another friend. She knew Chinese medicine and taught us about pressure points and such. I asked her about our Norwegian friend and she touched her shoulder a bit and said, “She is tired but she is strong.”

These days, I just wanna tattoo those words on my forehead. Not really. But I am holding them in both fists so tight. Because lately, I’ve just been so tired, emotional, beat really and this has left me feeling so discouraged.

But remembering my friend has served as a wonderful and timely reminder that all the faithful work has counted but that the long journey takes a toll. And that is just where I’m at. And that is okay. I will say it of myself and pray that it is true. “She is tired but she is strong.”

Thank you Holy Spirit 👊🏽 #nevergiveup

Ps. In case you aren’t from around here #tiarred = super tired. 🙌🏽

looking for beauty {Spring 2023}

I have all the tools. Know the reasons it is hard for a certain youngsters heart to trust mine. I know why it is hard for my heart to care for theirs. I know it’s the brain doing it’s job. That important things may have been missed, that trauma leaves it’s marks like crevasses and needs are deep. I’m not a bad mom. They are not a bad kid.

It’s still so hard. I’ve created trainings for other parents about it. I still struggle. When the words cut like a knife and the eyes tear at me, I don’t want to care about their needs. And when I over correct or just correct in an ordinary way even, or when I lose my temper and raise my voice, or when my eyes say to them- not again with you!? Of course their brain says to them that they aren’t safe here. They go straight to survival brain and all seems lost.

Knowing that both of our brains are doing the job of protection helps me to step back and reset myself. Eventually. After I’ve calmed down. But often emotion doesn’t follow my lead and shame comes through the cracks. I pray for help. I cry or spiral. This morning I walked fast on the trail to help my body do its work back to being able to think, back to being able to choose love again.

My first assignment when reading this book was to find 50 points of joy each week. I wanted to. But I haven’t started yet. I know I need to focus and do this practice but I’ve been here before and so it’s hard to start again, even when I know it will help. We have been back to this place a thousand and one times, this kid and their mama.

I know the drill. I know what to do. Remember their preciousness. Visualize the wee babe who needs that mama love. Remember what they missed, all they’ve lost. Remember the sweetness I felt in the beginning. Notice the good about them, make a list and check it twice.

It is hard when the mud on the path is thick and treacherous though. When every step could send you falling. But still, we trudge on. And today on my especially needed and sweaty walk, with legs moving fast and that sweet Spring breeze on such a lovely cloudy morning I started to feel better and to see beauty, almost with every step. I managed to breathe deeply. The stress levels lowered. The brain came back to calm and I could think again.

My thoughts start to swim and then settle, I should have said this, and done it that way, and how do I mend this tear? Should I go take them to lunch? They’ll say no. I’ll feel rejected and we will enter that roundabout again. No I should take care of me today. And write this all down, my way to process it all.

And I’ll start with forgiving their hurtful words. I’ll choose to forgive the cutting stares and the anger sent my way by the fistful this morning. I’ll forgive myself for letting emotion and sorrow throw me off balance, for letting my frustration lead the way. It is not their fault or mine, not the way we might think.

I will say prayers for their hearts all day long today. I will bless them with my words and thoughts about them and not curse them for the rest of this day.

After school I will make sure to look them in the eye lovingly. I’ll ask if they want a snack. I’ll apologize for my part in the terrible way their day started. I won’t ask them to apologize. It’s not the time for learning lessons, repair isn’t.

I will brush by close enough to touch shoulders and say, “excuse me baby, sorry about that”. in a tone that does not sound sarcastic. I will find a way, or twelve or fifteen, to say yes to them about something — anything.

And when they say no to my care over and over again – I will remember it is because they are hurt not bad. I will do my best to hold onto the beauty I saw today and the beauty I remembered about this kid and this mama today. I will.

I will bless them under my breath as they walk away and I will be there when they come back to say sorry, because they are so lovely and almost always come back to say sorry. But even if they don’t. Even if they don’t – I will bless them anyway. This is my plan, and I’m sticking to it. God, please help me to do it. Amen

September Yarnalong # 1

September is my absolute favorite month. It is the ending of the hottest days of the year and the beginning of cooler and dimmer days. I trade my tall cups full of ice and unsweetened tea for cozy cups of steaming hot teas. I start thinking about knitting for Christmas and making menus for the coming colder days.

The end of Summer means the roasting of chili and the frantic canning of prickly pear jelly and there is always the silent promise for all the comforting foods of my younger family filled holidays finding their way into our kitchen. I’ll begin to crave posole and tamales and warm flour tortillas.

This year September is extra special because it brought us a finalized adoption of our nearly eleven-year-old son. He moved in last November and as he found a place his own in our chaotic every day he slipped into all of our hearts, one at a time and in each owns quiet or not so quiet moments shared.

It has been a time full of challenges and learning curves, of failures and of so much grace that I can’t even begin to tell you. Sometimes it is hard to become family. Harder still to become friends when all the hurts burn at the ears and even the subtlest change can remind him (or any one of us) of other days and years spent in harder places.

But these days brothers are becoming friends. He and biggest sister becoming downright pals and the little girls are finding a playmate unexpected in the big boy who is tough on the outside and so tender-hearted on the inside.

Even the five-year-old is softening to him which is huge because there has been some kind of strange competition between them since he moved in with us. Maybe some fear that one’s adoption is more special than the others and so they’ve been at odds much of the past ten months he has been with us. Yesterday as his adoption became final in the same courtroom hers was in last year, she hugged his legs and smiled up at him and it felt to me like a breakthrough of sorts. Maybe the kind only a mama notices but it was something, I just know it.

I couldn’t find words when the judge asked me what he had brought to our family. I’m not the best speaker even when I am prepared but on-the-fly, I’m downright terrible. I’d say now though that he brought us to hope for his future and somehow that spilled out and over and hope grew for each of us. I’d say that he brought us all a bigger, wider and deeper understanding of Father’s love as we learn to choose to love him and ask him to choose to love us as well even when things are hard. He also brought laughter and joy even though there is sadness mixed with it. His new with us started from loss and we will be here for him as he walks out his life.

With the finalized adoption we move into a rest time of foster care (if that is a real thing). We’ll do our best to only do respite for other foster families for a time and we hope to use our days and weeks to exhale and finally relax into our new forever family.

I’m knitting a wrap called the #bebravewrap by Sally who is @pinkgirlknits on Instagram. It’s a test Knit and I’m liking it so far. It is working at getting me out of my knitting or lack of knitting rut.

There is much else to say, but I think that for now I am done. Hints for later are that I started a new job last month or wait, the month before and I took a team to Asia to work with migrant worker’s children left behind and other wonderful works with the poor and immigrants. I didn’t plant a garden this year but hubby did for me while I was away which was too sweet and so very loving. It was a Summer full of joy and sorrow and growth and at some point, I will share about all of it. I hope. I plan to but yeah, sometimes I’m just waiting on words.

I’m joining Ginny for Yarnalong. Blessings and peace friends. ❤️

Heaps Of Grace {What We Need}

grace
noun \ ˈgrās \
…
d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency
e : a temporary exemption : reprieve

Tipping Scales

Everyone is busy. I know that. The list of things that go on the calendar grows as the family does and we’ve actually learned to be mindful of how many things we do. Every Season has a sport. We do one. Not one for each kid but one. Age groups mean more than one team but that is perfectly acceptable. There are school things, church things and community events. Just now we have two appointments a week for the new kid on the block. Twice a month we work the food pantry and there are Wednesday night Bible study’s and two Sunday services to attend. Birthday parties rarely get attended. We hang out with friends as a family once every few months. Date nights happen about once a month.

I miss a lot of church activities. If one kid is sick we all stay in. If hubby works late (no shade people just facts) sometimes I opt-out of activities if it means it’ll be me and five or six kiddos depending on what day of the week it is. I consider everyone’s moods- including my own. I consider who is tired, who is whiny, how many meltdowns we’ve had since we walked in the door, who hasn’t finished homework, how many appointments we have that day or practices and how many showers are needed before bedtime. Every day these sorts of things go on a set of scales in my minds eye and sometimes the Stay Home Side wins and sometimes the Go Out Side wins but its a war for some semblance of balance. Sometimes it is all me who needs a break although I don’t recall the last time we all stayed in for that reason. It does happen sometimes though, I m sure of it. She said, unapologetically.

There is a quiet and sometimes not so quiet disappointed bunch of people in our lives. God bless them. I know that they mean well. They want the best for our family. Truth be told, I don’t want them to stop asking us to things or to stop giving us a little jab when we miss something. Sometimes we do need a little push. Sometimes you just gotta get out and be with other people no matter how many times someone looks sideways at my kid not behaving or my impatience clearly worn on my sleeve. We need the fellowship and a little grace. Nope. I take that back- we need heaps of grace. Heaps. Of. Grace.

I don’t think most jabs need a lot of words from me. They just don’t know. They are not up in the night because of night terrors or coughing fits meant to make kid throw-up so said kid can get care that we are already giving but they are not feeling or believing in. They don’t know what we know about our kiddos lives before us or even the really difficult, medicated and painful start for our bio kids lives. They don’t deal with the weight of all these little hearts and minds on shoulders. As much as they love or enjoy our family it’s not their job to get these guys fed, hydrated, enough sleep, blood sugars balanced and pockets filled with tools to help them navigate life that is hard for them. I’m reminding myself that they just don’t know and that is okay. Say what they like- if I know, if I understand that then I can be okay with their disappointment. And that is one of my hurts from childhood so yeah just another perk of this life we’ve chosen, “more healing for this mama’s wounded heart, yaaaay”. Everything there in quotes said like Kristen Wiig when she is feigning joy.

Self-care – Wikipedia
…
Self–care includes all health decisions people (as individuals or consumers) make for themselves and their families to ensure they are physically and mentally fit.

Tick Tock (Dang it!)

On most weekdays I drop most of the kids off at school in the morning. It is home to clean and have a little one on one time with the youngest (it is too cold these days for a morning walk). An errand or two and then she is off to school just before lunch. Immediately after I make a stop for one of our kids at another school- every school day. After that I run home and meet hubby for lunch, if its that kinda day. Sometimes my niece is at the house so we hang out. Sometimes I grab a walk. Sometimes I run an errand or two or three. Mostly I am keenly aware of the ticking of the clock. No extra errands will get me home at 12:20 leaving me with two hours until school pick-ups begin again. Five or six kids spread out over three schools- it’s a tiny town so not as bad as it sounds. Home, snacks and homework and the wheels turn until bedtime.

Suddenly I am ever so keenly aware that there is ONE WEEK UNTIL CHRISTMAS BREAK which means THREE FULL WEEKS WITH ALL THE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL. Not as big a deal as the all caps might suggest, but almost. It is time though to do some prep-care for myself. It is time to fill my pockets with grace and a plan that I can fall back on when things get tough. I will utilize my favorite three self-care tools in ruthless and determined preparation- I make that promise to myself right now. As soon as I get the chance I will walk ten miles and pray and sing out loud and maybe cry. I haven’t been on the trail in a week, yep. But school breaks mean I get short walks with all the kids which is a different kind of beautiful blessing which I am thankful for – an adjustment to one of my tools for the care of all of us.

Yesterday I found myself battling my own to-do list. Not the kind of list that one writes down but the kind of list that always exists hanging above one’s head. A list of expectations unrealistic and weighty. I’d been home for 30 minutes or so. It had been a full morning of laundry and straightening of hair (yeah I don’t usually but it has proved to be the only way to wear my hair down in this climate). It was Walmart for groceries, the preschooler’s lunch made, dressed in layers, washed and hair brushed (wait no not that one) and off to school. I stopped at brothers school and then had a talk with his principal because it had been that kinda day.

I’d made it home, unloaded the groceries, a bit more laundry (N-E-V-E-R E-N-D-I-N-G -said in a scary prolonged whisper). As I put the groceries away I consider cleaning out the fridge. While I spray the door knobs with disinfectant (because someone is sick) I consider freeing the white wall of all the grubby little hand prints and smears of -oh gosh- I don’t know what. While I walk from one room to another, picking up little bits of tissue (??) from the floors I consider sweeping and while I use the restroom I seriously consider scrubbing the toilets. Even as I fill the kettle for my tea I consider emptying the dishwasher but Oh Lord, there is always going to be something to do. I clean. The kids have chores. But Seven and sometimes 8 people live here. On this particular day I choose self-care instead of anything from that list always hanging above my head.

I just needed to quickly remove all the toys from my line of sight (tossing them beneath the coffee table for the win). I ignore the grass on the wood floors that the dogs have brought in. I turned the Christmas tree lights on and lit my pretty smelling candle, brewed that cup of really lovely tea and blew the dust off of my pretty tray. My knitting, the TV remote and my tea arranged just so on the pretty green and white tray within reaching distance. Feet up, legs covered and cozy beneath afghan and now I am left with 1 hour and 15 minutes (because I stopped to make a note of my thoughts in my phone). It is just about enough time for an entire episode of the Crown Season 2. Episode 1 on Netflix. Woo Hoo.

I feel like I need to say it: I don’t just get time to myself. I have to make a conscious effort to make that time and then to use it well. Yesterday it was ignoring the mess and having some time to veg and knit and recharge. Today I have a plan to play basketball with the kiddos. Fresh air and repetitive movements good for every-single-one-of-us. Tomorrow I might get to take that walk because you know if there is even-the-slightest chance I am going to take it no matter how tired I am. Or a nap, Oh Lord wouldn’t that be nice? What are your fave ways to care for you? My top three self-care tool are –like duh– but I’ll tell you anyhow:

1. Getting enough sleep.
2. A long walk in the fresh air.
3. Healthy food which is not at all what I crave but we gotta do what we gotta do.

Favorite Resource Of The Week

How To Handle Overstimulation During The Holidays
The Honestly Adoption Podcast- Season 8, Episode 69
Seriously. So. Good. In our house right now we have one very active, high energy sensory seeking kid and one (easily overwhelmed) sensory avoiding kid. The other kids fall somewhere in the middle of both sides of the pendulum. This weeks podcast was super helpful in reminding me what some of my kids will need this holiday season and gave lots of tips on how to do what I️ need to do to keep everyone regulated and cared for. Last weeks was good too!

Favorite Knitting Of The Week

This week I am knitting a baby prezzie for a friend- a favorite designer and pattern for sure. I am way behind and baby is coming soon so I’d best get off this computer and get back to knitting- after I feed the kiddos lunch I suppose. Take care of you first mama and dad and caretakers of all kinds really.

Fave Slightly-Sarcastic-But-Absolutely-Relevant Self-Care Tip

✈️ When the air masks fall as the airplane plummets be sure to put your mask on first- you know, so you’re awake and alert to put the mask on the loves that you care for. 👊🏼

Blessings,
~Tina

Wee Heart Christmas Ornament -a free pattern-

Since Hubby and I were married it has been our tradition to buy a new Christmas ornament every Christmas Season. We have continued that tradition with every new baby birthed to us, foster kiddos living with us and now with our adopted one. Our collection has grown and is very eclectic (just like us)!! But this year I wanted to make our ornaments rather than purchase them.

So in honor of one finalized adoption this year and another set to finalize in the the Spring of 2018 I made these wee heart Christmas Ornaments for each of us. You know, because Love Makes A Family. ❤️💙💙💗💗💗❤️

I tried several variations but the one I liked most is written out for you here, a gift of sorts. Merry Christmas and Happiest of Holidays to you!!

Yarn
Opal sock yarn or any fingering weight yarn. These 15 gram balls gave me 5 wee hearts!

Needles
Size 0-1 US (2.0 MM -2.5 MM) Set of DPNs

Materials:
Scissors
darning needle
Stitch marker or progress keeper
Ribbon (optional)

I prefer a lightweight progress keeper after a few rounds rather than a stitch maker but either works just fine for telling one where the start is.

Abbreviations
K Knit
P Purl
M1 Make 1 increase knit into the bar between stitches (Make 1 explanations here).
KFB Knit in the front and back of the same stitch
R Row
Sl1 Slip 1 stitch
SSK Slip Slip Knit
K2tog Knit 2 together
St(s) Stitch(es)
DPN(s) Double pointed needles

Filling Your choice of filling
Suggestions: Poly-fil, yarn scraps, fabric cutting or felt scraps. I used acrylic yarn scraps that I had from a crochet blanket I made last year.

The Pattern

Body Of Heart
Part A

Cast On 4 and divide over two needles.
Row 1: K all (4 sts)
Row 2: Kfb, Kfb (8sts)
Row 3: K all
Row 4: K1, M1, K to the last stitch, M1, K1- needle 2: K1, M1, K to the last stitch, M1, K1
Row 6: K all (12 sts)
Repeat Row 5 and 6 until you have 44 total stitches and spread them over four needles.
Note: When the knitting gets tight or uncomfortable on my hands I added another two needles dividing the stitches evenly across four needles.

Top Of The Heart (Left Side)
Part B
Row 1: K1, M1, K9 (right front needle)
Row 2: K9, M1, K1 (left front needle)
Row 3: K1, M1, K9 (left back needle)

Turn your work
Row 4: Purl all (22 sts)
note: Now you will be working on the two left-hand needles only.

Turn your work
Row 5: Sl1, SSK, K5, K2tog, M1, K1 (10 sts)
Row 6: K1, M1, SSK, K5, K2tog,K1 (10 sts)

Turn your work
Row 4: Purl all (20 sts)

Turn your work
Row 7: Sl1, SSK, K4, K2tog, M1, K1 (9 sts)
Row 8: K1, M1, SSK, K4, K2tog, K1 (9sts)

Continue in this manner until front and back left needles have 8 stitches each- then go to Part D for the right top of heart or for continued instructions for the body continue with Part C.

Part C
Turn your work
Row 4: Purl all (18 sts)

Turn your work
Row 7: Sl1, SSK, K4, K2tog, M1, K1 (8 sts)
Row 8: K1, M1, SSK, K4, K2tog, K1 (8sts)
Turn your work
Row 4: Purl all (16 sts)

Part D
Holding both left hand side needles together Kitchener stitch the left hand side top of your heart closed -doing your set up in reverse since yarn is at the front rather than the back – I am calling this the Backwards Kitchener Stitch because I couldn’t find a tutorial for it. If you know what it is please feel free to comment or leave a link in the comments. 😉

Reverse Set Up
– So rather than the set up starting in front when doing kitchener stitch-
1. Insert darning needle as if to knit on the first stitch on the back needle and pull yarn through leaving that stitch on the needle.
2. Insert darning needle as if to purl into the first stitch on the front needle and pull yarn through leaving that stitch on the needle.

Backwards Kitchener Stitch

1. Insert darning needle into the first stitch on the back needle as if to purl and pull the yarn through letting that stitch fall off the needle- pull snug.
2. Insert darning needle into the next stitch on the back needle as if to knit and pull yarn through leaving that stitch on the needle.
3. Insert darning needle into the first stitch on the front needle as if to knit and pull the yarn through letting that stitch fall off the needle- pull snug.
4. Insert darning needle into the first stitch on the front needle as if to purl and pull yarn through leaving that stitch on the needle.

Continue until all stitches are off needles and sew the end into the top of the heart and weave ends into the inside of the heart.

Top Of The Heart (Right Side)
Part E
Turn your heart around and begin on the inside of the back needle.
Row 1: Purl all (22 sts)
note: Now you will be working on the two right-hand needles only.

Turn your work
Row 2: Sl1, SSK, K5, K2tog, M1, K1 (10 sts)
Row 3: K1, M1, SSK, K5, K2tog, K1 (10 sts)

Turn your work
Row 4: Purl all (20 sts)

Turn your work
Row 5: Sl1, SSK, K4, K2tog, M1, K1 (9 sts)
Row 6: K1, M1, SSK, K4, K2tog, K1 (9 sts)

Turn your work
Row 7: Purl all (18 sts)

Turn your work
Row 8: Sl1, SSK, K3, K2tog, M1, K1 (8 sts)
Row 9: K1, M1, SSK, K3, K2tog, K1 (8 sts)

Turn your work
Row 4: Purl all (16 sts)

Backwards Kitchener Stitch these stitches together (see Part D)

Fill your heart and sew it up closed with an invisible seem.

To finish:
With a crochet hook make a chain
pull the yarn through the middle top of the heart and tie a knot
cut the yarn and weave the remaining yarn in to make a loop to hang your ornament.
You could also use pretty ribbon to hang your ornament!

Feel free to use this pattern as much as you like but please be kind enough to link your projects here. Thank you!